Just

Things that I wanna do and things that I need to do often conflicted. 

Or the things that I want and the things that I need. 

What I need is to be someone who is far from what I am presently. The person that I need to be lives a little far from worldly things. Like the clothes I currently don or the food places I usually go. A woman who is pious, a wife with a husband who would take the adventurous journey to Jannah, together. And kids. Yeah of course there would be kids. Two or three. 

But, I wanna be among my unmarried friends, have fun, travel the world with less responsibilities. No kids to hustle me down, no parents to worry about, no problems to care of. A carefree life. Where would that bring me though. Surely, God doesn't approve half of the things that I want. 

And if God doesn't condone it then my mission to Jannah would be .... non existent. Perished. Ka poof. 

Turning 30 scares me shitless. And I'm about 6 months away from there. I never cared much about how old I've aged except now. I guess I've always imagined that by 30 I'd be someone's legal partner, be successful, have my own business, have at least travelled quarter through the globe. I kid you not, I'm wayyyyy off the acceptable general life target.

Most of the time I don't mind where I am now. But other times, peer pressure memang no joke siot.

Like I said. Conflicted.