Temporary | False

In the lights I saw hope. When I picked up my pace and chased the bright. My heart raced of excitement from the glimpse that would save me. From the semi permanent darkness that was surrounding me.

Every pain suffered, forgotten. I raced through time, worried that the light would disappear. Hopeful. Excited.

A split tunnel ahead with one to the doom and the other unknown. One wrong turn and I'd miss the light.

I closed my eyes and took a leap. Which route i took, i was confused. I braved myself with a positive tone.

But the deeper I went, the darker it was. Did I take the wrong turn?

Love deprived. I yearned for light. Only shadows surrounding.

Which turn I took? Only God knows.

Have mercy on me, as I'm only Your slave. Desperate to be loved. By the people I love.

Mid 2018

The first line is always about time. The first line is always an apology for being on hiatus. 

I seriously just realised that I haven't posted anything this year. And it has already come to the middle of the year. How time flies, as always. 

A lot has changed. 

I finally jumped off the H2GO ship and came back swimmingly to a pharmaceutical company, under the same wings as Idalyn.

I am now in a relationship with a guy I randomly met off the net since the beginning of the year. It's been an interesting journey so far. Though I am still coping to juggle between the new job, the fresh relationship, and needless to say, Mama.

Time has always been an issue lately. I seem not to have that much of time every day. I have been having less sleep, more than usual. I am always tired in the morning, but everything is really worth it. I love him, he loves, that's all that matters. 

Malaysia has finally voted for a new government. Malaysia Baru we call it. I am very proud to be part of this change. I voted, I did my part and now let's just see if the new government can save the country. 

My relationship with 'KL' is still blurry. We are talking now. But that's all there is. 

Good bye.

The Art of Saying No

I have lost the person I often confided in. Veritably, it was hard for me to sink that fact in, but today, I abide. Soforth, I shall have to lift up my heavy figure on my own. As there's no one who has the patience to withstand my ordeals no longer.  

These past few weeks, I have begun to master the art of saying 'NO'. I'm usually the 'yes sir' type of person. Lately, the word has swift through these lips quite often. This transition is transpired from the running disappointments with the family.

Half of my life has been about accommodating my family convenience. Come on, I'm a 30 year old woman who is still staying under the same roof with her parents. What does that say to you? I pretty hope it translated to an independent woman being responsible for her parents. Because that is what my current life is focused on. 

I really want to be one of those anak mithalis, I strongly do. But what's prevailing is not giving me an easy pass. It's frustrating. 

I want my weekends to be mine.

I want to wake up late in the afternoon and not tempered by the sound of a man bickering every chance he gets with me.

I want to earn plenty so Mom can chill more.

I want to take up courses, another Degree or better yet a Master in English or E-commerce. 

I want so many things in life.

But this life is not mine. It's not mine. It was never mine. It is not today. It is not tomorrow. 

xx, 

depression talk.

Closer

It's the end of April.

I'm starting to notice that my thoughts here often start with time. If you're looking for a dramatic back story, sorry to disappoint, I have none. All I can tell you when it comes to time, I am very rigid.

Proud. Not proud. Couldn't careless.

I've been too busy. Too busy to even breathe. And it irks me because I need more time.

I'd like to rewrite my entries during the trip to Hatyai. But Time wouldn't allow me.

My writings are usually monotonous. I know. I'm not sorry.

If only I have more time.

Bleep Bloop

You know what they say bout 'Time is Gold'? Well, time is really gold to me. I love how my 2017 is running. I am blessed with jobs which are driving me to my dreams. I wanted to post my travel journals during my recent solo trip, but time isn't on my side yet.  Soon, I will. 

What are my dreams you asked? See, there was an ad that kept oplaying on TV. I remember watching Fernleaf running in between programmes. The scene was a woman acting as a reporter standing in front of hundreds of cows. And those cows were so huge! Taller than a human. Can you imagine that? Naturally, the scene originated from New Zealand. I had never been so awed (I was no older than 10, so give me a break). I promised myself ever since that I'm gonna fly myself and see those cows myself.

And so I will. I'll be flying to New Zealand in September. Weeee. Dreams do come true, but not without hard work. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. 

Brain Language

January has crept out unnoticed.

Silly me, can't even finalize the ultimate '30' resolutions. I can tell you something obvious though, I haven't achieved flies the past 30 years. At least not to my standard.

Pity to think about it. But I am really trying to dismiss this self-pity attitude I've unwittingly infused to myself.

Which led to a decision. The good kind, don't worry. One day I woke up and decided that my legs are 60% healed and I should start driving Uber again. So I did. I called the (car) insurance company, got my cover note, uploaded to my Uber account and a couple of hours later, I was good to go. I started immediately after (office) work, the same day.

I've been driving a week now. I like what I'm seeing in my bank account. Enough to survive me 4 nights in Hat Yai, which is where I'm heading to next week.

I'm also planning to get tickets to Japan for Mama.

And more excitedly, New Zealand for me! But I'm still feeling fuzzy about this. But that will be a different post entirely.

Driving an African student around Cyberjaya a couple of nights ago got me into a familiar conversation:

Dude: So what are you?

Me: What am I?

Dude: Like, are you Malay?

Me: Yeap. I am.

Dude: Pure Malay?

Me: Uh huh.Dude: Pure Malay? Not Chinese mixed?

Me: Nope. Purely Malay (though I'm not, considering that I have Javanese, Boyanese and I'm pretty sure there's Arab somewhere along my bloodline but I'm no King Coco. So let's just go with pure Malay) Errr...Why?

Dude: No, it's your English. (I wish his answer was 'it's your look' but who am I kidding.) Malays are usually terrible in English.

Me: Well, I can't disagree.

This cliche conversation of Malays and English language is unfortunately not my first, and I bet it's not gonna be the last.

Sad.

Sad because we have been stereotyped as such. And to be a hijabi and a Malay the same time, it puts you on the lower strata. You have no idea how low minded they have set us to be. 'They' as in the society in general.

A Tell-Me-About-Yourself

I am a 29 year old woman (still trying to grasp that - woman) who's living a care-free life, well at least by my definition. I keep my life active and occupied as much as I could mostly by hiking, reading, travelling and of course, spending time with my family.  I am always open for an adventure regardless if it’s as simple as taking a KL tour or as extreme as sky diving off a plane (which I haven’t done anyways). I want to be able to learn and see the creation of Allah swt around the globe before I die. 

I come from a family of 3 sisters, a person who is unfortunately doomed with the second child syndrome. I live in a condominium unit with 2 parents - a strong-hearted mom who’s responsible for the (good) person I am today and a dad who’s an old man working as a property agent. My elder sister is a young mom with 3 kids and these tiny humans are the ones filling my world with rainbows and butterflies. Did I mention that I adore kids since I myself was one? And there’s my younger sibling who’s pursuing her future as an engineering student in Sapporo, Japan.

I was born in Singapore. Too many people had asked why I would leave such an amazing (and stable) country. It's not by choice, okay. I may have been born in that city, but the first few years of my life was spent in Sydney, Australia. I came back to Singapore for another few years before Dad decided to migrate the whole family to Malaysia. I've been here ever since.

My personality is somewhere between simple and complex. I laugh, but I mope too. I multitask, but I am (really) forgetful. I have high life expectations, but I am easily demotivated. I am of many things that I’m still trying to discover myself.

One thing for sure is I do not favour coffee, not at all. The bitterness that it leaves on my taste buds is absolutely unacceptable. I am utterly confused by those who made coffee a passion. Yes, I do hunt out for coffee spots, but only for the ambiance. Nothing more than a place for me to chill, read and blast some good music. I am more of a chocolate person. Hand me a bar of chocolate, umph, I’ll be beaming the rest of the day!

F For Fatigue

A black pitch hole
And a maximum vacuum

A heart that is weak
Yearn to be stoned

A figure translucent
Bottled up soul

F is for Fatigue
Weary of life

Mockery

What dya know. It speaks my heart! Hah!

A Little Life (pg 135)

I have become lost to the world
In which I otherwise wasted so much time
It means nothing to me
Whether the world believes me dead
I can hardly say anything to refute it
For truly, I am no longer a part of the world.